I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
