just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
