He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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