hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
