just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
