Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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