Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
