I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
