I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
