i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
