I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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