and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
My ass is underappreciated
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
