someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Randomize
