i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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