dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Randomize
