The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I will pee on everything he values.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
