Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
