good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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