I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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