Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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