I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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