Your tits are I can't wait for
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
