I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
