I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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