we have pet lesbian snakes
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
