Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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