I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
