6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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