You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
