his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
