i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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