My hand turned me down
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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