pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
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