hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
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