No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
