I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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