trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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