she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
