ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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