I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
