I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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