I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
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