mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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