Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
