Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
