smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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