If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
we're so committed to being not committed
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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