You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
