eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
