Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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