Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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