Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
We left the knife in your bed.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
