I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
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