You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
