Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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