Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
