you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
