I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
